I'm in a mood right now. And I don't have anyone to talk to. I never have anyone to talk to. I wonder if I'm PMSing... this is my "I don't have any friends, I really hate myself, I want a different life" PMS train of thought. I don't think I'm PMSing though. I guess it's possible.
Anyway, I'm feeling stupid and helpless and just frustrated at work. Everything is up in the air. No one will communicate with me, even when I ask them direct questions. No one keeps me in the loop. And I don't see it getting any better in the near future. I honestly don't see it getting any better in the distant future either. I see it getting much, much worse.
I don't want to be the one to leave a sinking ship. I like my job, and I'm loyal to my manager. But I just don't feel like I can do my job the way it is. And there isn't any way to fix it. I've talked to my manager, and he's just as frustrated and confused as I am. No one seems to pay attention to our department. They were just starting to, and now we're being treated like the red headed step child again.
Migrating accounts without telling us. "Planned maintenance" that you don't tell us about. A new Agile process that Does. Not. Work. for support companies. I feel like we're setting ourselves up to fail, and no one is going to be able to fix it when we do. And no one is going to want to buy us when we do. They're just going to end up shutting us down and walking away.
At best, I think I've got two years to try to make a name for myself in my job. But the name I'm making is "trainer" not "project manager." And that's not my title.
I don't have anyone to talk to about this. I don't have friends. I don't have anything fun to do on weekends that can distract me from it. I really, truly, don't know what to do.
But I'm depressed. I'm not happy with any part of my living situation - personal life, work, or other. And I don't know what to do about it.
I don't know what to do about any of it.
I'm lost. And I need help figuring out where to go from here. But there is no one to help. And I just don't know what to do.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Together
I only write when I'm depressed. But oh well, it's not like anyone reads this anyway.
Is it wrong to be with someone because you'll be lonely without them? He loves me. I know he does. But I don't think I love him. I'm not sure if I ever really did. Or if I did, I haven't in quite some time. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. But I don't want to be alone either. I'm not talking about not wanting to be single. And I don't have friends. So if I end things, I'm going to be alone.
I think the guy at work brought this on me. He told me he could give other people a hard time because they were friends, but he doesn't give me a hard time because we're not friends. I know he just meant we aren't that type of friends. We're work friends. But I see Jordan go out day after day and his friends asking him to hang out and I have none of that. When he's out with friends I'm home alone.
I don't want to be completely alone again.
Is it wrong to be with someone because you'll be lonely without them? He loves me. I know he does. But I don't think I love him. I'm not sure if I ever really did. Or if I did, I haven't in quite some time. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. But I don't want to be alone either. I'm not talking about not wanting to be single. And I don't have friends. So if I end things, I'm going to be alone.
I think the guy at work brought this on me. He told me he could give other people a hard time because they were friends, but he doesn't give me a hard time because we're not friends. I know he just meant we aren't that type of friends. We're work friends. But I see Jordan go out day after day and his friends asking him to hang out and I have none of that. When he's out with friends I'm home alone.
I don't want to be completely alone again.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Feeling ranty
That's ranty. Not randy. Put your pants back on.
I'm not sure what I'm ranty about. A lot is bothering me today. And I know it's because I'm pmsing, but I figure I should write it here rather than update twitter every five seconds.
I can't believe that the terrorist attack in Russia isn't a trending topic on Twitter. Ok, I can believe it. People are callous, and no one thinks of Russia because it isn't "sexy." Well, I think of it. But then I think Russia is sexy.
Maybe it's too soon, maybe it's wrong to say, but it takes balls of solid rock to attack Russia. If the terrorists hadn't blown themselves to bits I would give them props. Though I don't really blame them. Fucked if I would stick around to feel the wrath of Mother Russia. I'm curious to see if it ends up being the Taliban. "The war is in the Middle East... with Russia." That's always been something in the back of my mind. If they've started bombing Russia it may not be so true.
You attack the United States, England, Russia, why not throw a little China in there too and get your ass nuked off the face of the earth.
Ok, what else to rant about. Fuck my battery is about to die. I wish there was a plug over here. Or chica with the book wasn't sitting in the only chair next to a socket. Seriously.
God I wish my job would post my w2's. I want to get my new computer. Here's what I'm getting:
Case:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Hard Drive:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Motherboard:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Graphics Card:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Power Supply:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Processor:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Blueray/DVD writer:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Keyboard/Mouse:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
And RAM. Though I don't know what kind... or how much. Probably 8GB. That's going to be insane. Mmmmm. What do you think? I can't wait. Should be able to get it soon. Would be tomorrow but it would get here on Friday and I don't want to be cooped up putting together a computer on my birthday.
That's right, it's my birthday this week. The big 3-1. I'm at that age where I can't believe I'm already 31 and I can't believe I'm only 31.
I was cleaning my apartment the other day and I kept walking by the bathroom mirror. I have mom body, but I'm not a mom. I feel like I should have a 4 or 5 year old at this point. I feel like I'm mom. I feel like I'm ready to be a mom. Not going to happen now. Maybe not going to happen ever.
The significant is doing better. He's behaving himself a little better, we'll see how he is this weekend before I say anything definite. Still not good enough that I think it's going to last, or that I want to have a child with him. We'll probably make it to a year now. But I don't know if it's going to be further. I feel like I'm his mom most of the time. And that just isn't right.
We'll see how things work out.
My fingers are still going now, and the battery is still kicking. But I'm not sure if I have anything else to rant about right now. I don't want to go to class tonight. I don't want to go to class anymore. It's pointless for me to be here in person. It's basically an online class that you have to show up to school to take. She's a weak teacher.
You know, now that I've typed it I don't think I use the word "weak" very often. Or maybe I just don't spell it right most of the time. I don't think I've spelled w-e-a-k in a long time. It feels weird.
I want to learn to exercise my vocabulary. I want to learn to write. I want to find passion that inspires me to write. I don't want to just write because I'm feeling ranty.
Enough of the ranty.
I'm not sure what I'm ranty about. A lot is bothering me today. And I know it's because I'm pmsing, but I figure I should write it here rather than update twitter every five seconds.
I can't believe that the terrorist attack in Russia isn't a trending topic on Twitter. Ok, I can believe it. People are callous, and no one thinks of Russia because it isn't "sexy." Well, I think of it. But then I think Russia is sexy.
Maybe it's too soon, maybe it's wrong to say, but it takes balls of solid rock to attack Russia. If the terrorists hadn't blown themselves to bits I would give them props. Though I don't really blame them. Fucked if I would stick around to feel the wrath of Mother Russia. I'm curious to see if it ends up being the Taliban. "The war is in the Middle East... with Russia." That's always been something in the back of my mind. If they've started bombing Russia it may not be so true.
You attack the United States, England, Russia, why not throw a little China in there too and get your ass nuked off the face of the earth.
Ok, what else to rant about. Fuck my battery is about to die. I wish there was a plug over here. Or chica with the book wasn't sitting in the only chair next to a socket. Seriously.
God I wish my job would post my w2's. I want to get my new computer. Here's what I'm getting:
Case:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Hard Drive:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Motherboard:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Graphics Card:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Power Supply:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Processor:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Blueray/DVD writer:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
Keyboard/Mouse:
http://www.newegg.com/Product/
And RAM. Though I don't know what kind... or how much. Probably 8GB. That's going to be insane. Mmmmm. What do you think? I can't wait. Should be able to get it soon. Would be tomorrow but it would get here on Friday and I don't want to be cooped up putting together a computer on my birthday.
That's right, it's my birthday this week. The big 3-1. I'm at that age where I can't believe I'm already 31 and I can't believe I'm only 31.
I was cleaning my apartment the other day and I kept walking by the bathroom mirror. I have mom body, but I'm not a mom. I feel like I should have a 4 or 5 year old at this point. I feel like I'm mom. I feel like I'm ready to be a mom. Not going to happen now. Maybe not going to happen ever.
The significant is doing better. He's behaving himself a little better, we'll see how he is this weekend before I say anything definite. Still not good enough that I think it's going to last, or that I want to have a child with him. We'll probably make it to a year now. But I don't know if it's going to be further. I feel like I'm his mom most of the time. And that just isn't right.
We'll see how things work out.
My fingers are still going now, and the battery is still kicking. But I'm not sure if I have anything else to rant about right now. I don't want to go to class tonight. I don't want to go to class anymore. It's pointless for me to be here in person. It's basically an online class that you have to show up to school to take. She's a weak teacher.
You know, now that I've typed it I don't think I use the word "weak" very often. Or maybe I just don't spell it right most of the time. I don't think I've spelled w-e-a-k in a long time. It feels weird.
I want to learn to exercise my vocabulary. I want to learn to write. I want to find passion that inspires me to write. I don't want to just write because I'm feeling ranty.
Enough of the ranty.
Monday, December 6, 2010
I'm not sure
I'm not sure what I'm going to write tonight. I just feel like I need to write something. I think my posts have been down lately. Or maybe the things that I've thought about posting have been down. I don't know that I've posted all of them. So I'm going to try to write something better.
I'm listening to Neil Gaiman, Amanda Fucking Palmer, and Kevin Smith right now. I'm jealous of the level of talent in my ears right now. That is likely what is making me want to write right now.
I read an article the other day. It was written by a friend of mine, her first article posted in her news paper's Sunday section, and my thought was, "What is this? How did she get this published?" I need to write something. Maybe I'll go through and clean up something old.
Maybe more to come...
I'm listening to Neil Gaiman, Amanda Fucking Palmer, and Kevin Smith right now. I'm jealous of the level of talent in my ears right now. That is likely what is making me want to write right now.
I read an article the other day. It was written by a friend of mine, her first article posted in her news paper's Sunday section, and my thought was, "What is this? How did she get this published?" I need to write something. Maybe I'll go through and clean up something old.
Maybe more to come...
Monday, November 22, 2010
Tonight
Just finished frosting cookies. And it's flurrying outside. And my boyfriend just went to his friend's house.
Guess who is playing Lego Harry Potter all night.
Guess who is playing Lego Harry Potter all night.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Depressed
My sister just bought a house and is having a baby in less than two months. And I'm in a relationship that I'm not sure I want to be a relationship anymore. It makes me sad.
Monday, November 8, 2010
In the mood
I'm in the mood to do something productive tonight. I fell like I should be clicking something. As if I should be quickly clicking through things. That's why I decided to write. Because now I'm clicking on my keyboard. Before I was clicking through stumble-upon and really not getting anywhere (other than the fact that I found a picture in a photo stream of Nazi's in the 1940's that looks strangely like one of my coworkers that is obsessed with war).
I feel like I have too much energy in me today. I shouldn't be sitting here. I should be out moving. I want to go on an adventure but I'm feeling held back.
Relationships are a pain. I could go do anything if it was just me. But I'm tied down. Funny, because I bitched about the opposite when I was single. And I'll probably bitch again if I'm single again.
Moving right along...
I feel like I have too much energy in me today. I shouldn't be sitting here. I should be out moving. I want to go on an adventure but I'm feeling held back.
Relationships are a pain. I could go do anything if it was just me. But I'm tied down. Funny, because I bitched about the opposite when I was single. And I'll probably bitch again if I'm single again.
Moving right along...
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